Why I Never Became a Serial Killer!
This incredibly moving post is by an All Things Crime Blog reader. We thank the author, Geo Ack, for his permission for us to post this insightful meditation.
I always wondered why I never became a serial killer. Then I realized that even though I was subjected to all the abuses and isolations and fantasies, my fears were much stronger. I turned my anger inwards and took it out on myself rather than anyone else because my fear of reprisals from my abusers were stronger than my need to unleash my rage on someone/something else.
They had effectively turned me into a mouse, too afraid to show any type of emotion, forced to keep it all inside. Every time I acted out, usually in anger, I was punished in some sick, sad way. I was a loner, no friends. Just not an acceptable person. I was poor, so not dressed well, or even properly for the weather. I would often run and hide downtown in the small gaps between the buildings, where no one could get to me, even if they should happen to notice me. As time passed I learned I could be accepted, in a way, by using drugs and alcohol. The only way I could feel accepted by anyone was through sex. Rejection was terrifying. I was very lost.
I have stopped those harmful things and am beginning to grow up with the help of my psychiatrist. But, the idea that I really was close to becoming someone who took their rage out on others and could have become a serial rapist/killer is clear to me. I am really glad I did not. I am also very glad and proud that I did not pass these horrors on to my two kids. They got all the love and attention, GOOD attention they needed and have grown into very good people.
So, while I do have much more to say, I will just thank you very much for this article. It does explain some of the unseen nuances that can turn a person one way or another. Thank you………………Peace….Geo Ack
* * * * *
It’s times like this that make all the hard work that goes into All Things Crime Blog particularly gratifying. We welcome any and all contributions by readers concerning their battles to overcome familial crime, abuse and mistreatment.
If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it!
Yeah I get this I could never be a serial killer I am such a baby
Most of us manage to avoid the strange fate of being a serial killer. It sounds like Geo fear actually protected him. Something about “he who runs away will live to fight another day.”
I can identify with the writer. I, too, came from an abusive, sadistic and dysfunctional background, and easily could have turned to crime against others. Just like him, I internalized my anger, and as a result have lived most of my life with self deprecation and low self esteem. I was also consumed by fear, fear of being put in jail or getting hurt. Maybe fear of the unknown is the answer as to why some people from abused backgrounds go into crime, whereas other’s continue on to be upright citizens.
I’ve often wondered what it took for someone to cross the mental line and just “let it rip” against society. Although I personally didn’t commit crimes, I can understand how easily a weaker personality can come to blame society for their lousy upbringing. What is even scarier is that a lot of criminals had a stable background, they just failed to realize that if they wanted something they should work for it. Easier to take it I suppose.
Very interesting response, Diana. Fear, the great protector!
Diana I think that it is the people like you and Geo that are the brave ones. You may remember feeling the fear and helpless/hopeless emotions that go with abuse but you are the strong ones that knew innately that what was done to you was wrong. So many victims go on to victimize others to feel that sense of control and power that they did not have over their young lives. Instead of being resentful and angry as you got older and being abusive to others to feel secure and in control (or whatever need some people seem to be trying to fulfill) you display the true strength and fearlessness it takes to move forward and overcome the abuse and missed opportunities that fate in all its unfairness withheld from you.
Whenever I read your comments I always see you as a person with a very compassionate sense for others and good grasp of what is right.